After four years of struggle, a failed trial at assisted living, worsening dementia, falls, hospitalizations, her hostility and rude treatment of multiple caregivers, and dwindling funds, we FINALLY were able to relocate her in an excellent ALF (with multiple levels of care) in February. She had no choice - her house had to be sold to fund her necessary care and she was NOT safe by any standard living alone. She is furious, angry, hates everyone and everything, every day. The caregivers are fat, stupid, ugly, uneducated, their clothes and hair and fingernails are ugly, you name it. Every single phone conversation is a litany of complaint, misery, blame, and accusations. She says they are stealing her clothes, plotting against her or to kill her, and everyone hates her and yells at her... it just goes on and on. In one episode, she told my sister a caregiver refused to give her her inhaler and then screamed at her. This happened in the common area where there is a camera - the caregiver was taking her inhaler to be refilled, and it was MOM who berated and yelled at her. Mom says horrible things about each of us kids to the others. AND NONE OF IT IS TRUE. We all live 1000 miles plus away, and this nightmare is only getting worse. The staff has been patient and understanding, returning our calls and texts promptly. They have a doctor who sees residents weekly. But we kids are losing our minds over her behavior. We had a few weeks of blessed relief from the putting out of fires long distance after she moved in there, and she IS where she NEEDS to be, and is safe and looked after. But JEEEZ, she is just turned into this horror-story witch. I've blocked her calls; she has called my sister 5 or 6 times a day to rant and moan and b***h. We are just about fed up... maybe I'm just venting, but I hate seeing how upset my brother gets after she lights into him (which she just did when he called her for Mother's Day. Ha. Lovely. Seeking commiseration, comfort, suggestions for US... SHE is hopeless.
Also i just lost my dad to dementia a year ago so it’s a path we are used to including being in living environment similar to your mom’s circumstance.
I did want to share something that I hope helps you .
As I read your mom’s story I was so sad for her in how difficult it must be for her . Can you imagine being forced to leave your home environment because that’s where you are at ? No one is to blame , but can you imagine how upset you would be if you tomorrow could no longer be in the home you wanted to be in and had to sell it AND give the money to be in a place you rather not be at ? And the mood that would put you in? It would be so hard and you would be pissed . Now your going to an environment where you can’t help yourself and are dependant on people to do what you need and ultimately on their schedule , where you loose ability and control . These are hard things to deal with for anyone and would make us all angry and negative to a point .
I will say from my dads circumstance and experience was similar but we were taught the importance and how to be happier with “living in the moment “ and finding joy again in the small things , so it may be possible to shift this for her . Practically here are some things to try:
plan things for her to look forward to .
For example every few weeks hair styling and Nails, going for coffee or a shopping trip. Doing something out side of existing and planning for that joy .
If she can’t afford these things maybe it’s something siblings &you can chip in together for her at times . The home has an activity schedule I’m sure and making sure someone helps her to plan an activity to look forward to .
This is very different then your floor is playing a game right now do you want to join now?
By having positive things they love to do and can look forward to can help her have something positive to talk about and more importantly give you something to divert her to when she is on a negative tangent .
Now conversations can look like
hey mom I just wanted to say I’m really looking forward to seeing your hair style and nails next week .
making sure there is some things she likes to be part of her regular life ,whether it’s music , favourite show , favourite food . Regular stuff that makes her happy is critical for anyone and again a great place to divert to during negative conversations .
Ensuring she has things to choose and make choice on . Give her some choices back even if small and ask her to be involved BUT not overwhelming choice. Mom would you like Either A or B . If that’s too much for her give simply 1 choice , would you like choice A ? Allow her some control back in her life .
Group chats with siblings is key for keeping track of communicating the truth of her life’s circumstance . This may help cut down on confusion as to where she is at in real time .
my dad was in care for 4 years and I will say this , when a dementia patient says some stuff is happening ,you have to investigate it’s truth even when you think it’s not likely . It’s your duty . Caregiver burnout is real even for those who are paid. My dad hallucinated and often was wrong but there were times he was right and we saw some concerning problematic things in care over the years . We can’t assume it’s always the dementia patient even when it seems likely it is .
Alzheimer societies offer free classes for family /caregivers that can be very helpful for All types of dementia with helping family cope with these struggles real time .
wishing you peace and hoping your mom can find some joy.
she will be calmer and you will be better able to deal with her. This disease can turn even the nicest LO into a monster. I hope these suggestions can help you and your family.
SHE is not "hopeless". She *has dementia*, which is not her fault, and not something she can help.
You have every right to be frustrated and not want to have to put up with the personal attacks, etc. But you need to separate your mom from her behavior, first of all.
Blocking her calls and refusing to speak with her or go see her in person or whatever is probably the best idea for all of you, maybe send "thinking of you" messages through the AL facility to keep that connection without having to be subjected to the harassment.
But it is NOT your mother's fault.
Maybe it would help to find a family therapist to help you and your siblings come to terms with what's happening with your mother. It's overwhelming and heartbreaking, but there are people who know how to help, both in practical and emotional terms.
I'm really sorry you're facing this. I hope you can find a way to deal with all the huge emotions this brings up.
then put it to her
I can get you moved if you want
just say the word
ownership now n her will
I'm mainly in home care and I've witnessed all types of strange behavior. My latest one was with a ninety-four year old man who was marching naked in the bathroom and singing cadences. Since my ex was military, I knew what the deal was. I marched his butt to the bedroom and put on his underwear, socks and everything else while ignoring the behavior. His wife was like I don't know why he is cussing like that. I told her if he was in the military, he is at whatever age he thinks he is when he was drafted. I told her that I was around military guys all the time and profanity was second nature with them. I heard those words before.
As for mom, learn to ignore it. It's part of the process of dementia and those filters are gone. When mom starts her tantrum. Say, mom I'll talk to you later. Later can be a week later. You can check in with staff, and mom doesn't have to know about it.
Don't feel guilty about giving yourself a break from this nonsense.
Be glad you're not dealing with this chronic chaos in person, bringing her snacks and outfits and 10 different pairs of shoes to see which fit due to swollen feet, and 8 bras to see which fit only to find out she now wants sports bras instead.
Limit your calls to X per week and once the nastiness starts, tell mom the doorbell rang and you have to go.
Dealing with constant negativity, complaining and confabulating is not necessary. Set down some boundaries and stick to them like glue. Mom is being well cared for and the facility will call you if there's a real issue.
Best of luck to you.
It is sad to see how these personalities spend their last days .... trying to engage others in their misery instead of being thankful that ANYONE is spending their energies to care for them.
You and your siblings must reserve your energies to take care of yourselves before you are left depleated. (I am still struggling with this, but this forum helps me move forward ... at 67 years old, I must!)
a mom vacation. They should go no contact and block her calls for 2 weeks. And then call her once a week. If she is nasty to them, she gets one warning and then if she starts again, they hang up. And that’s it! If they can’t get through to her there is no reason they should be subjected to abuse. She’s being care for and that will have to be good enough.
They need to hide her anti-anxiety meds in food or something if she won't take them. Maybe see a Neurologist for updated meds?
I agree you are lucky to be 1,000 miles away. Just block her calls, the facility will call you if an emergency.
Your sister and brother will eventually back off, despite trying to be supportive to Mom....since it hasn't worked. I wish you all strength and success in doing what you are doing to keep your Mom safe. It takes extreme bravery and patience!
Your mother has dementia which means her brain is now permanently broken and that she'll only continue to get worse, so you and your siblings need to stop taking everything she says to heart and as fact.
Your mother can no longer control what she says and does, and if blocking her calls or just taking one call a week from her is what it takes for you to keep your sanity, then so be it. And when your mom starts complaining, just tell her that you'll call back another day when she is in a better mood, and then hang up.
Dementia sucks, and I'm sorry you're one of millions that are having to deal with a loved one with it.
But again...your saving grace is that you live many miles away, so count your blessings.