My mom, who I'm poa for, drove a state away. We had to issue a silver alert and she was found after 6 hours by police. My sister picked her up and my brother in law took her car. I was with them but I insisted we take my mom to ER once we got her. I know the drill....to say unsafe discharge until everyone gets what I've been saying for years - she has dementia. My sister and brother in law said they didn't want to do that because "they're not those people." So I left and told them "just be sure to take moms keys so she can't drive away again." But my sister left my mom, the keys and the car all back at my mom's house. My mom isn't answering the phone again. Do I call the police or cut everyone off? I've accepted she'll die tragically. But I am sick by the thought of her just vanishing. Or hurting someone by driving. Why did my sister leave the keys? She "can't handle it anymore" but like....neither can I and I did everything for my dad.
You already know she is a danger to herself and others. Can you live with doing nothing if you learn she hurt or killed someone while driving?
You and your sister will solve nothing keeping your heads in the sand; "She can't handle it anymore", "and neither can I." Someone needs to step up and be a responsible adult.
Go, take the keys and/or the car away now! Before anything tragic happens.
THEN, find a memory care facility for your mother, where she will be safely cared for.
You are POA. You can not just cut everyone off and accept your mother will die tragically because you can't handle it.
You must handle it. That is the job of the POA.
One of the walk in battery stores can do this for you if you have a difficult key fob.
If there are more than two docs working at the same place see if you can get two docs at the same place to give you the written documentation you need to activate the POAs. (So you don't have to go to 2 different offices.)
Feel you on the real estate sale. I had challenges with my sister when we were selling the house.
You're much better off on your own without being systematically tromped on by family members who don't have mom's best interests at heart.
Read the POA, if it says immediate then you do not need a doctor to invoke the POA. If you do need a doctor to involk it get her to a doctor for a 24/7 care evaluation. You started posting here in 2022 so she is 85 now. She is not able to make informed decisions. She needs to be safe. You have a police record now.
And it might not even happen because she's in her car. She could take off on foot and end up as Jane Doe in a hospital. This happened to my husband despite the many precautions I took at home to keep him safe.
Your mother is very sick. Your sister is in a world of denial, but you are not. It's up to you to do what is necessary, and I hope you do it right away.
I'm so sorry; please keep us posted.
As POA it is YOUR responsibility to make sure that your mom is kept safe and receiving the care that she requires, not your sister and brother-in-law.
So if your mom isn't answering her phone now, I would call the police and have them do a wellness check on her, and make them aware that she has dementia and shouldn't be driving.
Then I would call her doctor and the DMV to get her license revoked, before she kills some innocent person on the roadways.
As the only responsible person in the family — and as your mom’s POA — you need to act. Take her keys and car away. Find an aide to care for her until you can sell the house and place her. It’s a lot. It’s not fair or equitable. But it needs to be done.
I think the worst would be not be her vanishing or dying tragically but hitting a child. On top of the tragedy of that, she would be sued for everything she has.
Tell your sister that the reason why you have POA is to do the sensible things that M or S or BIL will not do. It's your responsibility because S “can’t handle it anymore” – even handle doing the sensible things that are in everyone’s best interest.