About a year ago my mother bought my grandmothers home, because she reached out to us saying she could no longer maintain it at her age. We have not been allowed to really use any of our stuff and she gets upset we are trying to update and repair things. She has major attachment issues to items and will throw a tantrum and scream at us saying she’s not dead yet. We discussed to her we need to replace the kitchen appliances due to them crackling and not working like they should. She will say there isn’t anything wrong with them even though they are over 60 years old. She will accuse us for getting rid of her stuff or throwing her stuff away. When she was the one that sold it. She’s showing signs of dementia, hearing loss, and verbal abuse. She accuses us of wanting to beat her or fussing at her, which we would NEVER. She will watch us and question us when we are going to do something. She tells us it’s not apart of the agreement for us to change or paint anything. She tells us it’s her house and her stuff. We wait on her hand and foot cooking her meals, getting her drinks, and washing her stuff. She refuses to shower till over a week later and won’t change her clothes for days. We are living in boxes still and not able to do anything. We are not allowed to use the paper towels even though we bought them she said we are wasteful and shouldn’t be using them all up. She will take food out of the fridge and hide it in her underwear drawer like we don’t know it’s missing. It’s exhausting when she tries to make “tasks” and “chores” for us to do as soon as we get off work or as soon as we wake up. She will comment on our appearance and weights and compare us to her being a size 0 after having three kids. She never worked, my grandfather (deceased) took care of her all her life. All she does is shut herself in her room lounging in a recliner watching tv. She accuses us of yelling and fussing at her when we ask a question and tells us this isn’t going to work out, like she’s going to kick us out but she cant. She has let her cats that live in her room pee on the floors and tear up things. We have tried to work with her to replace the carpet due to it falling apart and smelling like strong ammonia. She refuses to replace it even though it’s the original carpet in the house. Today I was accused of messing up her things because I used a bathroom hand towel underneath my puppies water bowl in the kitchen so any splashed out water would fall on that so she wouldn’t slip, I washed it after using it for less than five minutes. She refuses to use the walkers and physical therapy stuff she was gotten from the dr. She’s 86 years old but it’s really exhausting to constantly be verbally abused and mean to by her. We are trying our best but we don’t know where to turn to get help.
What happened to the money your mother paid to Grandma when she bought the house? Is it safely protected or invested somewhere, or is it being squandered?
If Grandma still has the money, your mother could, when she reaches the two-year make of owning the house as her primary residence, sell the house back to Grandma. Then you and your mother can escape and live your own lives, and all of these other surrounding relatives can step up if they wish.
Does anyone have Grandma's Power of Attorney? Can she be persuaded to see a doctor?
In the meantime, stop waiting on Grandma hand and foot. Treat the house like it's your mother's, which it is. If Grandma has a major meltdown, that is an opportunity to call 911 and then ask the ER doctors to admit her as an inpatient to get her cognitive issues properly diagnosed and addressed with medication.
And also, it's very sweet of you to want to help your mother and grandmother, but you aren't obligated to live at home until you get married, if it gets to be too much for you.
From what you're saying in this update post, your grandmother has dementia and needs care. You and your mother have a lot of serious thinking to do. Being an in-home caregiver is how I made my living for a long time before I went into the business of it. I've had many, many stubborn clients like your grandmother who refused to "allow" any outside help. Here's what I've been telling homecare clients and their families for about 30 years now.
~Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.
So, really you and your mother have two choices. Put her in assisted living and live your lives in peace. Or keep her home with you and watch your lives become a living hell and they will. Don't be guilted into being her caregivers. It's okay to not want your lives used up by her care needs. Good luck.
Your mother needs to remind grandmother that she's sitting on a big, fat check and that's because she SOLD her house. Your mom should also remind her that it's out of love and kindness that she ALLOWS her to remain living in the house. She doesn't have to.
Whether or not your grandmother has dementia doesn't change the fact that she has to be moved out of the house. She is only going to get meaner and nastier to both you and your mother as time goes on. Most likely she has dementia and will need increasing care because she will get worse. The best bet is moving her into an assisted living that also has higher level memory care. Get her out now while she still has enough faculties to acclimate to a new place and even make some friends. If you wait until she's completely out-of-it from dementia that can't happen. She has money from the sale of her house to your mother. Time to move her out.
My mother's parents owned a beautiful old farmhouse in the NY Catskill mountains on 120 acres of property, and after my grandfather died, my grandmother wanted my parents to buy the house and property from her. I remember asking my mother why she wouldn't buy it, and she laughed and said "because as long as your grandmother is alive, that property would never really be mine; she would expect me to turn it into the "Felix M. memorial park" (my grandfather).
These are not uncommon problems when you buy a home from your parents, especially if they are still alive. Now add in the fact that OP's grandmother still lives there...
OP's mom has dug herself into quite a pit. I feel very badly for them.
It's time for you and your parents to now educate yourselves more about this horrific disease, as there are lots of resources available.
If the house is now in fact your mothers then she and only she has the final say as to what stays and what goes and what will be replaced and what will not. This no longer involves your grandmother as it is no longer her house.
It's probably best now that your grandmother use her funds from the sale of her house to use towards a nice assisted living facility with a memory care unit attached where she'll be looked after 24/7 and kept safe, as she will only continue to get worse.
I'm kind of afraid to tell you that your mom made an unwise decision. Once grandma told her she could no longer maintain the home in which she was living, your mother's response should have been for grandma to sell her home to someone else and downsize, be it a move to a smaller home or apartment or assisted living.
Where were you living before your mom decided to move you into grandma's house? And it seems that it will always be grandma's house, regardless of whose name is on the deed...
How old are you?
Right now, YOUR focus should be on an honest discussion with your mom, not on how to "help" grandma. What plan does your mom have in place for dealing with grandma as she becomes more and more dependent, as well as more and more difficult to live with? IS there a plan? You need to get mom out of the house, out of earshot of grandma and ASK mom, "what are we going to do when this situation, not only doesn't get better, but actually gets worse?" This is a legitimate question and one that mom should be giving some serious thought to. At the very least, Mom should be thinking seriously about meeting with an elder attorney about this situation to get an idea of what her - and grandma's - options are.
Now, as far as you're concerned - and this is going to sound harsh - mom's bad decision is NOT something you need to live with indefinitely, if you have the means and the ability to leave the home. If mom is not willing to leave, are you willing to do so on your own, should it come down to it? How do you think your mom would react if you were to tell her that you don't want to live like this anymore, and what is mom willing to do to make it so you aren't subjected to this anymore? If you are not yet of legal age, your mom's first focus should be on YOUR health and well-being, not her mom's.
This is a problem that is bigger than you to solve; quite frankly, it's bigger than your mom to solve as well; but if she chooses to go down this rabbit hole, you are not morally obligated to take the trip with her.
Are you in the US? If so, contact social services for your county to see if she qualifies for any in-home services.
Is anyone her PoA? If so, this person needs to read their document and see what triggers the PoA authority. It may be an official medical diagnosis of sufficient incapacity. Then the PoA can start making decisions about a more sustainable care arrangement, medication for her agitation, maybe even facility placement or in-home aids.
If she doesn't have a PoA and refuses to assign someone, then you may need to move out and call in APS. As long as someone is living in the house with her it will be much more difficult to bring about a sustainable care solution for her.
Has your grandmother always been this nasty and obnoxious, or is this a personality change as she's gotten older? If she's always been this way, she's not going to change and it was probably a mistake by your mother to buy the house and move in with her. If this is a major personality change, then she should be evaluation for cognitive issues -- but will she be cooperative with that?