Thank you for all your help. I took my mom to a neurologist who told her she could only drive 5 miles with someone in the car during the day. My mom, who last week wandered to another state, laughed in her face. So I took all the keys. I have 2 memory care places coming for evals (God help them). Here's the new wrinkle - my sister is the financial POA. We'd need a bridge loan. My mom's credit score is too low on her own. Mine isn't great. I'd need my sister to co-sign on the loan with me and I have a feeling she won't. There's simply not enough $ in moms bank account to get her moved in without a bridge loan. If my sister doesn't cosign, what do I do? My mom is so mean - it's not like I can sell the house with her in it and she's not moving in with me. She was very emotionally abusive to me...and still loves to get her digs in. Like today, after spending 4 hours taking her to the doctor, she said "well I loved my parents not like you." She could afford assisted living but can she leave there or is it locked up?
Do not take out a loan.
Memory cares and assisted livings are used to dealing with financial issues. Talk to them frankly, but do not sign or promise any money for yourself, nor your sister as POA. It’s all on your mom and her assets. Sister is just managing mom’s assets, not providing them from her own money or yours. And be sure to ask the memory care, “What happens when the money runs out?”
You do know that memory care is different than assisted living. In AL the residents come and go as they please. In memory care they are in a locked facility.
Make sure your sister (the POA) is present for these memory care evaluations as she is the one who will legally be making the decisions for your mother if it is determined that she is no longer competent to decide things for herself.
Please, try not to let your mother's behavior and the guilt-tripping you will probably get from your sister, convince you into agreeing to move your mother into your home to become her caregiver or to convince you to move to her place to do it. Don't get talked into that. If your mother loves to "get her digs in" with you and is emotionally abusive, you are not the person who should be taking care of her.
No one, not your sister or you should sign any paperwork from any care facility until it's been thoroughly read through by both of you and if there's any part that you don't understand, have it looked over by a lawyer. Nursing homes, memory care, assisted living facilities are well known for lying about what some document is to get it signed. A popular care facility lie is to tell a family member or POA that something is a standard admitting form. Once your family member's Social Security number gets on it, the facility will clean out a bank account. I know someone this happened to. They got the money back, but the facility was able to do it.
If your mother has to go to the hospital for some reason, they can get her admitted to a memory care or nursing home. If there is no one to care for her at home and she had dementia. That would be an unsafe discharge. So, there's no need or you or your sister to 'co-sign' financially or her to get placed. You're not buying a car.
Good luck to you and please don't sign anything or get talked into becoming a caregiver.
And that neurologist -- I am shaking my head in disbelief! Especially since mistakes in driving are one of the first signs that families notice, because the consequences can be so extreme.
Next... if you have to take out a bridge loan to pay for her care then the care is not affordable. Period. There needs to be another solution which is most likely stepping away, resigning as PoA and allowing the county to deal with her and pay for her care.
Why are you involved with your abuser? You have been groomed. Your Mom is not mean, she is sick, dysfunctional, unstable, demented, etc. "Mean" is what a 3rd grader calls a parent. You're a fully formed adult now. Open your eyes and see that your Mom has been sick and continues to be sick and no amount of your involvement is going to change her. She will never be happy or grateful or at peace with whatever you sacrifice doing for her.
There is a solution for her care and you should step away and allow it to fall into place. Don't go into debt for this woman. Stop entering her orbit for any reason. If you do, you'll have volunteered for all the ensuing pain you will (not might) experience.
I lucked out with the timing of my mom's placement. Her ruckus raising ability was on the downward but her ability to somewhat adapt to the new place was still intact enough.
Also, fire the neurologist. What kind of doctor would approve a person as cognitively declined as your mom to drive 5 miles a day with someone in the car? That someone might be able to read maps to get mom home but wouldn't be able to save mom from an accident if she suddenly forgets that red means stop. This neuro must be a moron with little understanding of the problem of dementia patients driving! Dementia means no driving! Ever! Again!
Good luck, I'm sorry for your situation, but it will get better (for you) once mom gets into a facility.
I think you need to work on getting her assessed and approved for MC by the places you have contacted before you take out any loans. Depending on how far along she is in her dementia they may not be willing to put her into locked MC if it means she's going to be causing an unholy ruckus to leave every minute.
You're doing great to get the keys, and with working your way through the rest of this mess! On a side note who the heck authorized a demented person to drive five miles. If they could follow a rule they wouldn't have dementia. And most accidents in healthy drivers happen close to home. Geesh.