
My husband just had his second stroke; 2021 (1st mild), In 2023 he proclaimed he was cured and no more meds for him (refused to take them). Feb 2026 4 strokes 3 left, 1 right. His cognition is terrible, cannot trouble shoot, cannot retain anything for more than 3 minutes. I am trying to coordinate, PT/OT/ST plus pay his debts, set up disability, and did not notice his decline. I am so, so, so overwhelmed in trying to figure out what I have to deal with. I have PoA medical and financial but I do not feel right acting on it. I am trying to give him a sense of ownership, of self. But I am falling to pieces. I am overwhelmed. As I asked, how do you keep sane? How do I find time for "ME!!!!" While trying to figure all this out it is 10-12hrs days, trying to figure out access to something. It is draining, frustrating, and I cannot lose my temper. arghhhhh I am losing my mind.
Caregiving happens on the caregiver's term or else you will burn out (as you are finding out). Time to make yourself the priority and do self-care so that you can endure the marathon. You MAKE time for yourself. You expect it, demand it. You eat the elephant one bite at a time and every single day make sure you do something for yourself. Without exception. Tell your friends to hold you accountable to give yourself quality time every day.
I'm so sorry for this turn of events. May you receive wisdom and peace in your heart as you protect your own health as you help your husband.
Don't feel wrong about using the POA. This is exactly the kind of situation it's for.
Put him into a full time day care program. If he refuses, put him into assisted living. Don't worry about him getting angry at you. He is beyond being able to understand. The priorities for him are safety and health care. Let him fight with someone else who is not emotionally involved. That gives you the security of knowing he is safe and the time to deal with the rest of his and your lives.
Get help to make a care plan for both of you. What happens to him if you suddenly are incapacitated? Who takes care of you? Meet with a financial planner who is reputable and get help making important decisions. Start taking control of everything.
This is your husband. We all understand that, and many of us have faced this situation or some version of it. You two may love each other, but he is unable to be your partner any more. If being around him is too stressful let yourself do things that allow you to take a break from the world (creative hobbies, day trips, reading quietly, what ever works for you). You are more important than he is now, because you are responsible to care for both of you.
Now BREATHE!
I know you feel that you can look after him properly, but when not if....when you hit rock bottom, who is going to look after you? You said you have CDiff, that's a symptom of stress and anxiety, if you don't do something now to alleviate the stress it'll get worse. Either hire some help or place him in memory care.
You obviously need help to preserve what's left of your sanity.
I have not used one, and didn't know they existed, but apparently you can hire a geriatric care manager to help manage some of the overwhelming decisions and tasks in your daily routine. They can coordinate the PT/OT/ST, if those are really needed, and are helping your husband. If the therapy is not making any meaningful difference in your husband's progress, eliminate it.
I think the biggest challenge for me in the beginning was navigating what services are available and how to access them. That's maybe where a care manager can be helpful. To give you guidance and direction.
You can hire someone to come in and help with taking care of your husband, so you can take some "me time". Even if you are all alone, just step outside for a bit. I used to go out on the back patio. I couldn't leave my husband alone, but I could hear if he yelled for help. Just soaking up the sun and the fresh air and the sounds of nature for 15 to 20 minutes helped. Sometimes my neighbor was outside, and we would chat for a bit. It helps to empty your mind of all the tasks you feel you need to take care of, by just leaving for a few minutes, maybe several times a day.
You don't have to figure out all of it now. Prioritize what needs to be done now, and the rest can wait - it will still be there later. For instance, get the disability application submitted first! That will take months to be processed, and there is a waiting period of months. (I forget how long - 6 months maybe?) Pay down the debts slowly. They aren't going anywhere.
Act on the POA. He no longer gets to take ownership of important decisions.
But here on Agingcare there are rules in place. No preachy messages. I try to abide by that when I post so as not to offend anyone. Non religious folks are sometimes put off.
Having said all that I agree with your post.
See All Answers